Jim Rice - The most feared hitter of his era.

If Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, you can bet it was Jim Rice that made him cry!

When Rice retired, the whole world was upset.

Jim Rice played his final game on August 3, 1989. A few months earlier, people began speculating that this would in fact be Rice's final year playing baseball. When news of this spread, protests took place all over the world. The most famous of these protests took place in China, with most demonstrations centered on Tiananmen Square in Beijing. While the protesters were there, they decided to make demands for democracy and free media reform in addition to protesting Rice's retirement. Sadly, thousands were ultimately killed by the People's Liberation Army [who were known to be Yankee fans]. It is widely accepted that "Tank Man" was most likely wearing a Jim Rice jersey under his jacket for the now famous photo.

Even Joseph Stalin was afraid of Rice...

Jim Rice was born in March 1953. Joseph Stalin died in March of 1953. Coincidence? I think not. Stalin was so terrified of Rice he collapsed after suffering a stroke and died.

Jim Rice is so bad

Jim Rice does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Jim Rice.

Initial plans for Reagan's "Strategic Defense Initiative" included a hot-line to reach Jim Rice around the clock, anywhere in the world. The plan then called for Rice to hit baseballs at any and all oncoming nuclear ballistic missles, destroying them in outerspace. Being the ultimate team player, Rice declined to take part, citing the fact that he might be playing in an important game for the Red Sox at the time of an attack, and this might hurt his team. Rice suggested that a series of anti-ballistic missles, lasers and mirrors be used instead. It is widely accepted that Rice's association with SDI, has caused severe backlash from the biased, predominantly liberal media, and to date, has kept him out of the Hall of Fame.

Jim Rice was making his bones when Robb Nen was dating cheerleaders...

Jim Rice visited Italy once. Some tourists recognized him and asked to take some pictures of him swinging a bat. This obviously caused a huge gust of wind; thus we now have the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

It is a proven fact that the crime rate in Boston would dip when Jim Rice would bat. Criminals would hide in fear that Jim would rein down his furious vengeance-seeking home runs upon them should they do anything wrong while he had a bat in his hand.

Jim Rice and the hall

The baseball writers voted for Travis Fryman because Jim Rice TOLD them to using his Jedi Mind tricks. He did this because he wants to be elected on the 15th try because he fears no one.

Jim Rice was such a good hitter, the air traffic controllers at Logan Airport delayed all flights from taking off while he was at bat, due to "chance of baseball sized hail stones".

Jim Rice was so strong, he didn't need steroids. When Balco invented the "clear" and the "cream", they used Jim Rice's DNA.

Jim Rice was such a strong hitter that the Red Sox waited almost 10 years after he retired to put in the Monster Seats in fear that he would unretire and kill someone with a laser-shot home run.

Jim Rice was such a good hitter that he didn't hit balls out of the
park, they ran away from him in fear.

Jim Rice was so tough that the Green Monster stood behind him for
protection.

Jim Rice was such a good hitter that...

Jim Rice doesn't need Geico to save money. He just drives his car however the fuck he feels like it.

Jim Rice once found a tree that was struck by lightning and made a bat out of it. Instead of calling it something faggy like "Wonderboy", he simply branded the words "BAD MOTHER FUCKER".